A simple life?

Monday, May 29, 2006

The lobohias went to the zoo and ecp for dinner as a surprise farewell to ken and loong yesterday! Although our plans and mood were slightly ruined by the rain, we had fun. I think there will be many pics soon to come!

I really hate to complain but well gotta get this off my mind.

I wish i was healthy mentally. I really do.

I wish that i wouldn't have the problem of thinking that people are talking about me. This doesn't just happen to outsiders i don't know. It happens even to the people i'm closest to. It really affects my relationship with them and this isn't normal at all.

I wish that i wouldn't have the problem of thinking and feeling people are watching me.

I wish i wasn't so easily tense. I start to do and say things without thinking. I can't sleep. I can't focus. I lose my appetite. I start puking. I can't do the things i wana do. Now i'm afraid i can't go ahead with my motor lessons which i really wana do.

I wish i wasn't so uncomfortable around unfamiliar people. I wasn't like this before. I could mix around, joke, share stuff and even listen and help them if they have problems. I know that people move on in their own lives and i can't always depend on just a few friends. Not that i don't treasure them but i just wana be able to mix around with others comfortably.

This is really taking a toll on me.

Feeling so frustrated because of all this crap and this is leading to alot of anger building up. Getting more impatient and easily pissed off. This isn't the way i want to be and i know this isn't who i am man.

I really thank God for the people around me. T and my bros especially. They've been really patient and understanding and i can't thank them enough. But i hate to be a bother to them. I wish that i could just be perfectly healthy and normal. People would say, what are family and friends for. But it feels like shit when you can't do stuff on your own and when people have to sacrifice for you. I really wana be the one helping them whenever i can and not be a burden.

I wish that i can lead a normal life without all this crap.

Having to deal with all this crap really feels like shit when i just wana hang out with my friends and have a good time. I wish that i can enjoy and just feel comfortable everytime i go out with my friends. But. I wish there wasn't a but, but there's a but. But, at times i can't. When the anxiety sets in, everything just goes haywire. The words i say. The thoughts. The feelings. The stomach. The whole mood just gets affected badly. I'm afraid, damm afraid that i would say or do things which would hurt or offend them unknowingly.

I know problems come and go in life but this is kinda abit overwhelming.

I hate to be so self centered. But, just gotta get this out and at this hour, what else but the blog yea?

Anyhow, just have to continue the sessions with the doctor and i have this strong feeling that everything would go well in the end, just how long it takes only. I wish it would happen instantly.

What's keeping me going is the little faith i have, T and my 3 bros. I thank God for them. I thank You God for just being there.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5

[ Servant of God ] | 2:02 AM |

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Really hate it when the anxiety comes.

You feel like shit and apart from anxiety, a whole other lot of problems start to come in.

Oh well, just have to live with it for awhile.

[ Servant of God ] | 8:29 PM |

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The first time in my life i'm wearing 2 pairs of socks. And to tell you the truth i don't know why but i feel stupid. Lol. But. Its damm comfortable.

Just a random post before booking in.

[ Servant of God ] | 6:18 AM |

Monday, May 22, 2006

I only ask for your understanding.

Nothing more. Coz i know you can't give anything more than that.

But freaking hell you are just bringing me down.

You think i'm not working at trying to get better? You think that i want to have this? The way you say things is as if i wanted it. Yes, my past lifestyle has probably led me to become like this. But you don't know how much i want to do what others are doing. You don't know my dreams are dashed. You probably think that i don't wana change.

You know what i think. I think fuck you.

Things are definitely not going well with you. I don't know maybe you don't have any way to let out your frustration so here i am.

You caught me on a wrong day.

I love you but i also loathe you.

[ Servant of God ] | 3:23 PM |

Thursday, May 18, 2006

It has been exactly a year since i first talked to you after years.

Suddenly, the memories and feelings came back. WHOO. Overwhelming.

That's the problem with too much time in your hands and with nothing to do. You think. You think rubbish. Lol.

Anyhow, find one day with the right opportunity, you'll know.

Have the car right now. But guess wad! I can't drive. Lol.

Have been a living zombie the whole day due to the medicine. Hope this doesn't persist.

A couple of good movies coming out soon, lets catch them ya bros!

[ Servant of God ] | 12:24 AM |

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Ah.. Coming clean. Feels so good.

Thank God for friends like my bros.

Feeling so much more relieved knowing whats the problem, knowing that its treatable and knowing i can lead a normal life.

I've been a bastard to you. I'm sorry.

But no more. No more.

[ Servant of God ] | 12:09 AM |

Monday, May 15, 2006

I wish, i really freaking wish i am kenging.

But no. The damm problem is really there.

Coming to realise it really worries me. Whats gona happen to my future? My studies. My job. My relationships. I would really hate to be on medication for the rest of my life.

Telling people would be another challenge. How would they see me?

Having this really pisses me off. I'm so young man.

I can't see why God wants me to have this except that he has a purpose for me. A greater purpose.

Anyhow, lets see how it goes after seeing the specialist.

Btw, i'm not dying or anything ya.

On a brighter note, had subway for supper just now and it was freaking good after they toasted it.

Oh ya, caught the show Miami Ink on CH 16 on scv. Great show man. Those who like body art should catch it. Features great artwork and reasons why people get them.

Goodnite!

You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
- Psalm 139:13-14

Jesus, You made me like this for a reason and You never make mistakes. I trust in You.